Dave reviews…Prince Caspian

Have you ever watched one of those movies where a little into the film, you start thinking, “Hey this movie rocks!” Then a scene comes up which makes you reconsider, and you start thinking the movie might actually be kinda lame. Then another scene reintroduces the rockage. Then another scene plows it under. Finally, you’re left confused about whether or not you actually liked the movie.

That, in a nutshell, is Prince Caspian. But if you want specifics, you’ll have to wait while I gear up for a little rant.

First, I want to start with a few positives. The new Narnia movies beat the pants off of the horrible old BBC movies. However, that’s a lot like saying a clothing store is “classier than K-Mart”—not a very high standard to meet. So I’ll add that the movies were also pretty well cast, have good special effects, and usually avoid being corny (…usually).

Sadly, the movies are also missing their soul. That’s because Aslan—the central figure of the books and the only character found in every book—is boring. In fact, he usually looks a little sleepy. He’s certainly not threatening. I guess this isn’t too surprising; the American church has become content with the friendly, safe God that C. S. Lewis despised. No wonder, then, that Aslan seems wise and kind but not scary. When he chewed up the White Witch in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, I was more than a little disappointed that he popped up with a sanitized, toothy grin. Just once, I’d like to see blood dripping from Aslan’s teeth to remind us that he’s dangerous—you know, not a tame lion.

At a later date, I’d like to post more on how a lack of fear of the Lord is likely the defining sin of the American church. In this sense, the Narnia movies are symptomatic of a deep flaw in the way we look at God.

In the meantime, let’s dive into a few specifics before we wrap up the review. What did I like, and what didn’t I like?

If you haven’t seen the movie but you plan on seeing it, now would be a good time to stop reading.

I liked the acting, the darker battle scenes, Reepicheep the mouse (and all the mice, which were done very well), the trees fighting, and the occasional humorous quip.

I didn’t like the scenes blatantly ripped off of the black rider and river chase from the Lord of the Rings movies. I didn’t like the way the movie stretched to engineer awkward character conflicts. And while I’m usually pretty lenient regarding creative license in movie adaptations of books, I thought the whole attack on the Telmarine castle departed too far from the books (though it was still pretty good). Finally, I thought Susan smooching with Prince Caspian was unnecessary. In fact, what was up with that little hint of a love story? It definitely wasn’t there in the book, and it didn’t add anything to the movie. I will admit I’m still embittered by an utterly gratuitous sex scene which ruined a perfectly good novel I just finished reading.

Now, with that said, if you’ve read the books, I’d recommend seeing the movie. It definitely could have been worse. Speaking of which, it’s time to rate the movie, reducing years of creative work to a series of currency symbols:

• I would pay money to see it again ($$$$).
• I would see it again if someone gave me a free ticket ($$$).
• I wouldn’t see it again even if someone gave me a free ticket ($$).
• I wouldn’t see it again even if someone paid me to go ($).

Prince Caspian scores a cheery $$¢ (two dollars and change). I grade hard, so that’s not a bad rating at all.

Dave’s guide to buying milk

Milk. It’s a vital source of calcium and artificially-added vitamin D. It’s a necessary ingredient of all sorts of culinary delights such as butter, cheese, ice cream, and strawberry-cheesecake-flavored yogurt. It’s the most delicious substance that can be squeezed out of an animal. Milk is all these things…yet it also can be a confusing product for many uninformed consumers. This is where I step in as your trustworthy guide to a lactative Paradisio.

In order to acquire some of this heavenly goodness, you first need to weigh your options. There are four possible sources of milk:

• A local farmer. If you live in the country and know a farmer who owns cows, this isn’t a bad place to begin. Milk straight from the cow (full cream milk) is the best sort of milk you can drink. Unfortunately, if it’s unpasteurized, it may also be the last sort of milk you drink.
• Your doorstep. This only works if you live in a country where milk is delivered to your doorstep by a handy milkman. Unfortunately, this is not the case here in Lafayette, so I can only imagine what a wonderful custom this would be.
• A woman. Hey now, that’s just sick. I can’t believe you suggested it.
• A local supermarket. For most of us, this is the main source of milk. Thus, the rest of this buying guide will focus on how to purchase milk in a supermarket.

Upon entering your local supermarket, your highest priority should be to locate the area of the store where the milk is stocked. It is usually in the back—in fact, it is in the farthest corner of the store from where you entered. This is because the owner of the supermarket knows you came there with the sole intent of buying milk, and he wants to distract you with junk food, brightly-colored fruit, and Ho-Hos placed strategically between you and your prize. Do not be distracted by these other products. You came here to buy milk. (Though you may buy Ho-Hos if you wish.)

Once you arrive in the area of the store labeled dairy, you will find milk packaged within hundreds of plastic jugs and cardboard cartons, nestled snugly on racks behind thick glass doors. Your first instinct will be to leap through the glass and greedily gulp down the milk in every last container. Do not do this! It is very expensive, and usually people stare at you funny. Instead, I recommend taking a deep breath or two; then, look at the brands and types of milk available. Here are a few possibilities you may find in front of you if you are shopping in Lafayette:

• Great Value (Wal-Mart store brand). This is an adequately-flavored milk, suitable for cooking and pouring on cold cereal. It leaves behind a little aftertaste after drinking.
• Dean’s. Exactly the same as the Wal-Mart brand.
• Sealtest. Exactly the same as the Wal-Mart brand.
• Kroger. Utterly delicious. This milk leaves no aftertaste and is perfect for drinking straight out of the glass.

Next, you must decide how much milkfat you want:

• Whole milk. Contains 3.25% milkfat. Probably a bit much for most people, but a few hardy (and rotund) souls swear by this variety.
• 2% milkfat. The best all-around milk, perfect in every situation. Enough milkfat to be tasty but not enough to make you feel like you’re guzzling fat.
• 1% milkfat. Some fool’s compromise between 2% and skim. Nobody actually buys this unless he or she is trying to please both 2% and skim milk aficionados. Ultimately, it pleases no one.
• Skim milk. Imagine taking a glass of water and pouring in a nondescript, flavorless white powder. What you get is skim milk. It is “real” milk in the sense that Kenny G is a “real” jazz musician.

Now that you’ve decided which variety of milk you would like to purchase, walk up to the glass doors and open them (warning—they may be sliding doors). Find the jug or carton with the latest possible expiration date and remove it from the rack. Bring it to the checkout counter and pay for it (optional). If the cashier asks whether you would like your milk in a bag, respond with an emphatic “No!” Only pansies do this. Real milk lovers carry their milk to the car in their own hands, lovingly cradling it as they look forward to an afternoon spent reading a good book while sipping a tall glass of delicious cow juice.

Iron Man review

This is the third movie review on my blog. By now, I’m pretty much an expert. You can count on me to be a trustworthy and reliable guide who will save you the trouble of deciding whether to spend your hard-earned flamboyant cash on a movie or on a 2-lb. bag of Jelly Belly Flops instead.

Iron Man is a very good movie. I would recommend watching it. If you want me to rave about the phenomenal job Robert Downey, Jr. did as Tony Whatever, sorry, go read another review. Actually, you should probably do that anyway. I don’t think I have much to add to what “real” movie critics have said, other than to comment on the fact that apparently terrorists are very stupid people who can’t tell the difference between a missile launcher and a suit of robotic iron armor. Fortunately, the movie is so much fun that it doesn’t really matter.

By now, you’ve probably figured out that I know next to nothing about the Iron Man comic book legacy. I referred to the hero as “Tony Whatever,” but this was simply a case of humorous irony because I knew full well that his name was Tony Stark. However, I had to pay a visit to the Iron Man Wikipedia page that night to get an idea of how faithful the movie is to the comics. As it turns out, the answer is “not very,” because there weren’t nearly enough alternate universes, fake deaths, and other bewilderingly stupid plot devices common to all popular comic book superheroes. I remember reading about the Fantastic Four before viewing their second movie, The Rise of the Silver Surfer; I finally had to call it quits on my research in order to retain my sanity.

Speaking of the Silver Surfer, what’s up with that name? That’s probably the worst superhero/villain name I’ve ever heard. “Silver Surfer”? What’s his catchphrase: “hang ten, bra”? Doesn’t exactly strike fear into the hearts of men. It was pretty tough to overcome the image of a laid-back Aussie surfer dude while watching the Silver Surfer movie (which was pretty dumb, by the way). Now, that’s one strength of Iron Man—at no point in the movie did I ever catch myself thinking about the main characters: These people are all annoying and I don’t care about them. Most movie critics agree that establishing a…pathos…with the heroes is important to a movie. In this sense, Iron Man is a rousing success because I actually found myself liking Tony and Pepper and Tony’s robotic assistants and even the bad guy Obadiah Stane—though in Obi-Stan’s case, it’s mostly because he has a cool name.

Actually, speaking of robots, that’s one area where I found it hard to suspend my disbelief. Everyone knows robots with artificial intelligence are bent on world domination and will stop at nothing to enslave or destroy mankind. So it’s tough to believe that they would haplessly and benevolently wield fire extinguishers to aid Iron Man in his quest for justice.

Well, the time has come to end this review. I have developed a handy new ratings system for movies:

• I would pay money to see it again ($$$$).
• I would see it again if someone gave me a free ticket ($$$).
• I wouldn’t see it again even if someone gave me a free ticket ($$).
• I wouldn’t see it again even if someone paid me to go ($).

Out of this four-dollar-sign rating system, I give Iron Man $$$¢ (three dollars and change). I encourage you to go see it.

“Spiritual but not religious”

Here’s something that’s been on my mind for a while, and it’s become especially important to me after reading an article entitled “More Folks Eschew Organized Religion but Not Spirituality.”

It’s a cultural trend for people to say that they are “spiritual but not religious.” You gotta hand it to this group—this slogan sounds really nifty (if not creative). Who wants to be religious? Spiritual sounds much better. And quite frankly, the word religion is laced with the connotations of empty ritual, pointless façade, and self-righteous indignation at people who don’t live up to an arbitrary standard. Nobody wants that.

But why has the “spirituality” discussed in the article become so popular? Why are we rejecting organized religion, doctrine, and traditional understandings of God?

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that the West takes so readily to this mindset. Postmodern “spirituality” is characterized by customization and convenience.

The customization takes place in one’s understanding of God. Does the God of the Bible offend you in certain ways? Do you prefer the teachings of the Dalai Lama to those of the Apostle Paul? Well, why not do a little mix and match, developing your own idea of God? In a sense, even American Christians obsess over customization, demanding churches that cater to their preferred mode of music and entertainment styles. This is the product of an individualistic, consumer-oriented culture. So why not take it to the next level and customize God Himself? “Spirituality” is perfect for our culture because it is self-pleasing and self-centered.

The convenience takes place in one’s understanding of the gospel. Nobody wants to believe something difficult. Why adapt your life to an externally-invented system of beliefs and practices when you can simply adapt them to the life you are already living? Why go to church and have to deal with all those inconvenient, difficult people? Why not just surround yourself with beliefs, practices, and friends which never challenge you or convict you? “Spirituality” is perfect for our culture because it demands no change and expects no sacrifice.

Ultimately, it all comes down to our understanding of God. Is he really so pliable that we can poke and prod him, carefully molding him like so much Play-Do? Is he really so small that we can tell him what he can and can’t demand of us? Is he really so stupid that we must educate him about right and wrong?

Maybe others are content with such a “god”—if such a pitiable being can even be called a god. As for me, I loathe him, and I am weary of thinking he is anything but a poor counterfeit of my Lord.

The only God I can love is the one true God, the triune God of the Bible, holy in all His ways, a God to be feared and a God of love. He alone is good; He alone is worthy of worship. He says to us, “Be still and know that I am God“ (Psalm 46:10).

Fender-bender #2! (sorta)

After Monday’s incident in the jail parking lot, I had the misfortune of being involved in yet another traffic incident, this time at a stop sign at the bottom of a steep hill.  As I was sitting behind a pickup truck, I saw a car approaching from behind.  I looked away from my mirror and turned my mind to other things.  However, the driver must have eased up on the brakes after coming to a stop, and she gave me a nice solid tap on the bumper.

The funny thing about these things is they always sound worse than they are.  I heard a loud “BANG,” sat for a moment in stunned incredulity, then got out to inspect the damage.  Actually, there was hardly a scratch, so once again we parted ways.  It was nice to be on the receiving end of an apology, unlike last time. 

Fender-bender!

Yesterday morning, I was visiting a prisoner at the county jail. (That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.) Unfortunately, upon leaving the jail, I got into a little accident in the parking lot.

As I was backing out of my parking spot, a lady in the opposite spot was backing out as well…and we collided. Or rather, our cars collided. After a moment of stunned silence, I pulled up into my spot again, got out of my car, and inspected the damage. The paint was scraped off of the corner of my bumper, and there were a couple small dents. Her car was mostly untouched (she had the fortune of owning a bumper made out of real metal).

The other driver’s reaction was along the lines of an irritated “DIDN’T YOU SEE ME?” I guess I could have asked the same question.

Anyway, after seeing there was no serious damage, we decided just to drive off. There’s no way it would have been worth the hassle of a police report, insurance claims, and a ticked-off woman yelling at me.

Tomorrow…I will be blogging on the the latest trend of being “spiritual but not religious.” I think you can already guess what my opinion on the subject is, but hopefully it will be a helpful (and possibly even coherent) essay.

Primitive Western idolatry

April Fools! I promised in my last post that I would start blogging more often. Three weeks later, here we are. Gotcha, didn’t I? Unintentional April Fools’ jokes are the best.

Now, the good news is that I’ve had at least three posts bouncing around in my head in the meantime. This is the first.

As part of our Hebrew class, Psalm 115 was required reading. It’s a great psalm made even better by the unfamiliar, fresh, and raw Hebrew poetry. Its mocking description of idolatry in vv. 4-8 are pretty hilarious but sobering. Why would anyone worship idols that can’t actually do anything? The psalmist observes that “those who make them become like them; so do all who trust in them” (v. 8).

The tragic irony is that while we sneer at these ancient idolatrous practices, we ourselves are idolaters at heart. In fact, John Calvin famously referred to the human heart as an idol factory. We obsess over the self-absorbed celebrities of Hollywood. We seek a political savior in the next presidential candidate. We gather to worship at vast sports stadiums, cheering on our gods as they do battle with the gods of enemy cities. We lavish attention and praise on our cars, motorcycles, and iPhones. We hide from the world all day with iPod earbuds nestled gently in our ears, soaking in the music of our favorite musicians. We gather as families in front of our living room shrines, basking in the glow of our television sets, amusing ourselves with the latest trivialities of our culture. Our attention and energy, our passion and joy, is devoted to all of these and not to the God of the heavens.

As I think about it, at least the ancient Canaanites had a leg up on us. They worshiped idols which—they thought—possessed supernatural abilities, were immortal, and could help them in times of need. Our idols fail in every respect. These people would probably laugh at us today. They would laugh at our primitive practice of idolatry and our pathetic attempts to supplant the Lord Almighty.

The Book of Happiness - Meditation 8: Believe

It has been a long hiatus, but I’m back to blogging.  It’s been a crazy time with seminary, though honestly, I could have blogged during this time…I just haven’t.  So the time has come to break the non-habit of not blogging.  I present the latest installment of The Book of Happiness:  “Believe.”

Green Giant Mixed Vegetables: Now Steams in the Bag!

Perfectly steam cooked every time, our vegetables use new steam seam technology to enhance the natural taste & goodness of delicious Green Giant^® vegetables.

MICROWAVE DIRECTIONS

1. PLACE unopened bag THIS SIDE UP on microwavable plate. DO NOT PIERCE BAG.
2. MICROWAVE on High 5 to 6 minutes or until thoroughly heated and vegetables are tender. Note: Popping may occur when microwaving.
   CAUTION: HOT! Be careful to avoid steam.
3. HOLD bag carefully at yellow circles at corner and center seam. PULL apart to open.

Hahahahaha! I get it. What a sucker I was to follow directions. You got me good, Green Giant. You got me good.

The KJV’s take on how to be a real man

Ben has pointed me to one of the funniest—and saddest—things I have ever seen, first featured on the Kingdom People blog. Watch a KJV-only advocate put into practice his homegrown exegetical technique.

Now the thing that confuses me is that the verse in question, 1 Kings 14:10, says that God “will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall.” So doesn’t that make it a dangerous activity to pee standing up? From now on, I’ll be sitting down, lest I incur the wrath of God….

So anyway, once you’re done laughing, it would be good to pray for Steven Anderson, the preacher you just saw. Because if his other sermons are any indication, God has a lot of work to do here. (As He does with all of us.)